To make you feel my love.

Me: See, Lu...
The thing that kills me is that I know stuff better.
I've dated before. I met some pretty cool guys, but for some reason that I can explain, the weren't THAT guy. Then I met this dude, who is totaly different from me, different cultures, religions, everything. And then he turns out to be a great friend. Everything with him is easy. I guess that's the word: easy... the exchange is easy. The humor, the conversation, the ideas, the values... it goes easy with him. He makes me feel like I am in the right place on earth... at his side. It's fun, smooth... the same way I couldn't explain how those other guys weren't the guys, he is the guy. I can't explain. 
But that's about me and him. Two people, no external stuff involved. Me and him at a bar, at his house, in a car ride, at the university, talking, not talking, kissing, singing, swimming. Daily, me and him, we work. 
And then, we are away from each other, and that's hard. He's in another country, and I'm here, and even though I love him and I think he likes me back, this is not enough. Because of the distance, because of the external stuff.
And it kills me. because I know stuff better.
I can find someone who fits my life right now in pinch. I can find someone from the same religion, same culture, that my dad would love, in the same street that I live. But I know that the chances that I find someone like him.. to feel the away I feel when I'm with him, about  him... this is one in a million.
So I decided to turn this off. Shut it down. And I feel that I may never see him again. And when I think about that, I feel that part of my heart is going away with him, phisicly. I may never see him again... but what can I do? I talked to him before, several times about that. I left the door open to discution, be he told me that I don't have a place in his life in the future. So what can I do?
All I know is my car rides, my swimms in the lakes, seas, pools, my university or work time, my house, my relationship with the men I choose, my life won't ever be that away again, for the rest of my life. It won't. Cause I know better and that is so hard to find. So lots of little pieces of my idea of a happy future goes away and it hurts sooo bad. 

One time I saw a documentary about Vinicius de Moares, a brazilian musician, that had 9 wifes and was an hopeless romantic. But his real love was his first wife, Celia. She tells on the documentary that he tried to spend time with her time to time, sometimes when he was married to one of the other women, sometimes in between... but she never thought it was right because he divorced her and married other women and she was afraid of getting hurt again. But she said, that, when he died, she saw it didn't matter in the end. In the end, when she lost him, all she could think about was the time she didn't spend with him. All the afternoons they didn't sing together at the beach, all the talks, the kisses, all that she missed out trying not to hurt herself. Because he was the love of her life.

So I rethink. I rethink: should I stay open and deal with missing him, with him not wanting me in his life in the future because he has other commitments,  but still enjoy what I have, even though I want more?

Please tell me, Lu... sometimes, my logic doesnt make sense to me, and I'm so confused. Am I wrong?

Lu: Julia, don't you see? You are Vinicius de Moares in this situation and he is Celia. you have been trying to be together, he doesn't. He shut the door. Not you. 

--

From the Movie "The Holiday".

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

Iris: I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

I could hold you for a million years,

I have so much to say, but no reason to do it.
I lost my soulmate. I may never see him again. 

But I'm too tired to think and I plan to keep on doing it.